


Perfidia

by TaraB1915



Category: Arrow (TV 2012)
Genre: Alternate Universe - French Legion - West Africa, Angst and More Angst, Betrayal, Child Abandonment, F/M, Psychological Trauma, Reconciliation and sex, Romance and Desertion, Treachery, World War I, a little smut, absent father, hurt and angst, references to violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-18
Updated: 2020-06-14
Packaged: 2021-02-26 01:42:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 20,150
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21865408
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TaraB1915/pseuds/TaraB1915
Summary: Orphaned at an early age, Felicity Smoak is taken to a new life by her guardian, aunt Hester Kuttler. When her new friend Oliver defies his father, that act will hurt those he cares about the most, especially Felicity.Abandonment, deceit, treachery, and pain seem to be constants in both their lives when they both graved love.
Relationships: Oliver Queen/Felicity Smoak
Comments: 34
Kudos: 64
Collections: The Oliver/Felicity Fanfiction Archive





	1. The Warrior and the Orphan

**Author's Note:**

> "Perfidia" is the name of a song about love and betrayal, written by Alberto Domínguez, a Mexican composer.
> 
> [PLEASE NOTE: This fic has officially paused at chapter 6 as other things incessantly claimed my attention, not least Covid19 and the fic that emerged as a response to lockdown - CLANDESTINE (Concealed in Shadow)  
> It's Dark.]
> 
> Hate incomplete fics. For me it's a challenge, so I will get back to this one however long it takes.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> From an early age Oliver Queen clashed with his father about the appropriate role for a son and heir. 
> 
> After a very traumatic start in life for her niece Felicity, Hester Kuttler struggles to give her a more stable future, and eventually leaves their village for a new beginning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Different to the US, English Public Schools are fee-paying institutions for the children of the elite.

**PROLOGUE**

Felicity Smoak was an Orphan. Her mother died when she was two and her father deserted her when she was seven. Some might say she was not strictly an orphan, but losing both parents at a very young age was a crucible. 

Her early years brought abandonment and grief but her aunt Hester was on hand to steer her through it all. Those early life experiences seared certain beliefs into her soul: never love because you will get hurt, never trust because you will be betrayed. People leave. Aunt Hess was the exception. 

As an adult Felicity valued her independence and learned to hide that lost, hurt, vulnerable child. But her barriers proved futile when Oliver came along and forced her to open her heart to the pain of love and find her way to forgiveness.

Oliver Queen's early life experiences was markedly different to Felicity's, but he was damaged too. His father wanted him to follow a pre-ordained path and pressed his own vision of how life ought to be on his son. Robert's constant hectoring turned Queens Park an idyllic place, a home much loved by the boy, into a confining, stultifying environment, one from which Oliver wanted to escape. 

His mother was incapable of shielding her son from his father's scathing criticism and insensitivity, so the young boy determined to follow his own path when the time was right. When life offered him an opportunity for freedom, he took it. But it came at a price. It broke him into a thousand pieces. 

Felicity Smoak was the only one who could put him together again but she was broken too, and he almost crushed her.

\----

**Cornwall, Southern England, 1905**

Oliver Queen the 13-year-old heir to Queens Park was home for the Christmas break from Rugby, his independent boarding school. Oliver had wanted to join his best friend Tommy Merlyn at Polwell House in Truro but his father had refused point blank to entertain any such idea. 

Robert Queen was adamant and unyielding. His son would attend one of the elite English Public Schools and then go on to Oxford University, renowned for producing great statesmen and world leaders, as befitting Oliver's status.

Robert preferred Eton or Harrow to Rugby but had relented when Oliver pleaded to be allowed to go to a school nearer to his home, so he could come home at least on the odd weekends to see his sister Thea and best friend Tommy.

Robert relented on that because he doted on Thea, who hero-worshipped her brother. She was his favourite child and anything that made her happy he will always indulge. That fact was glaringly obvious to Oliver but he never minded because he adored Thea too.

The family home, Queens Park, was a large country estate on the edge of the coastal town of Fowey. It is bordered to the South and East by the sea and the River Fowey, and to the North and West by an expanse of rolling hills and farmland as far as the eye could see. The Estate was complete with its own private beach, stables, tennis courts, orchards and gardens, and the house was filled with family heirlooms acquired from far off lands over decades.

The Queens had made their fortune in tin mining, but the current lord of the manor had diversified into the railways and farming. They probably owned half of Cornwall, and some of their wealth came from rental income, private and commercial.

Even at thirteen Oliver had little interest in the family business. He and Tommy liked to play war games, and he wanted to be a soldier. He was looking forward to the holidays when he'd get to spend time with Tommy and the Lance girls, Sara and Laurel. 

This time of year was for fun. There would be horse-riding and sledging down rolling hills, canoeing on the Fowey, camp fires on the beach, and daring Tommy to swim in the petrifying waters of the Atlantic. Would-be soldiers are supposed to be tough and fearless and able to cope with hardships. 

The days of activity would be followed by feasting on delicious warm mince pies, an assortment of cakes and at least a sip of cider, a whole bottle if he could get away with it. He was not yet allowed to have wine.

Most of all Oliver was looking forward to spending time with his beloved Thea, whom he adored. The one thing he dreaded was the usual lecture from his father about taking advantage of his opportunities and building on the foundations laid by his ancestors and expanded upon by his grandfather and father. 

\----

A few miles from Queens Park, in the village of Chipping Camden, Hester Kuttler was struggling to make ends meet and to provide security and stability for her niece, Felicity Smoak, whose father had abandoned her. Noah Kuttler had deserted them both, leaving his sister to care for his seven-year-old motherless child. 

Five years after his wife's death, trapped by mounting gambling debts, and filled with shame, remorse and feelings of inadequacy, Noah Kuttler simply walked away from his daughter one day. And he did it in such an underhanded way.

Hester was grateful to Noah's former employer and accepted the offer from them to supplement her meagre seamstress income. But by itself the increase did not make up for the money Noah gave her for the upkeep of their home, and Hester had no intention of touching the five hundred pounds her brother left. That was Felicity's nest egg.

She took a part-time job working as a housekeeper for the Smythe-Grey family in Truro on weekdays when Felicity was at school. It meant she worked seven days a week in order to care for her niece and she accepted that. Hester loved Felicity as her own. 

She had rejected advances from potential suitors ever since Felicity was a baby, when she'd moved in with the family to take care of her ailing sister-in-law, who had not recovered from childbirth, and her baby daughter.  
With Noah gone, Hester was the sole breadwinner for their little family and took it on with determination. 

The time came when Hester had to seek a different way of providing for herself and Felicity. The village school only catered for children up to the age of eleven and Felicity would have to move farther afield if she stood any chance of providing further education for her niece. Education was important to Hester, for women it was the key to greater financial security and better things in life.

Hester set about looking for a live-in situation with a good school in the vicinity. The move from Chipping Camden would be a wrench, a difficult step for them both. It meant leaving their friends behind and the only home Felicity had known, a place that linked her to her father. But needs must.

Hester's first port of call was to Mrs Fitzwilliam, the head of household at Queens Park, and a customer of hers. Fitzy would know of vacancies in the grand houses of the county, and Hester could claim four years relevant experience from her time with the Smythe-Greys, a well-to-do and well-connected family in Truro. Hester had worked for the family as a part-time housekeeper to supplement her income.

\----

 **Queens Park, 1909**

Each Friday afternoon Robert and Moira usually retreated to Robert's comfy study with its roaring fire on a wintery day, to review the week and plan for the next, especially if they were expecting guests. The Queens often entertained the higher echelons of the British aristocracy in their sumptuous home.

The external running of the Estate was Robert's domain assisted by his general factotum, Mr Pearson. Apart from a cursory oversight Moira left the running of the residence, which ran like clockwork, under the eagle eye of the housekeeper, the redoubtable Mrs Fitzwilliam, or Fitzy, as she was known to members of the family. 

Fitzy had started work with the family as a 15-year old scullery maid since Robert was a boy, and she was getting on in years. She had already spoken to Moira about a likely replacement, wanting enough time to train the right person. 

Moira was loathe to let her trusty housekeeper go. Fitzy had been a godsend over the years, especially when she arrived at Queens Park as a young bride.

"Fitzy wants me to meet with someone she knows who could take over from her." Moira informed her husband.  
"Oh? Is Fitzy leaving us, why?"  
"Robert, sweetheart, Fitzy was here when I arrived as a young bride. She has taken care of your family for decades, don't you think she deserves to live out her old age in peace somewhere of her choosing?"  


"This is Fitzy's home, she can stay here for the rest of her life. And you're still a young bride in my eyes, my darling," said her husband, kissing her hand.  


Moira blushed, and tapped Robert's arm playfully. "Fitzy wants to join her sister in Lands End, so no, she will not be staying on here.  
"She has recommended a Miss Hester Kuttler and her young niece whom I believe is 11 or 12 years old and has lost both parents. Miss Kuttler is looking for a live-in situation, and has good references from the Smythe-Greys. Fitzy also vouches for her steadfastness."

"I know that name," said Robert. "Her father was one of our tenants. Old Joachim Kuttler owned the haberdashery in Chipping Camden. He was a damn good tailor and his wife was a seamstress. They had two children who had to vacate the premises after their parents died. If I'm not mistaken Miss Kuttler might still be a tenant of ours."

Moira gave her husband a loving glance. He had always taken an interest in his tenants' welfare. "Yes, you're right. I visited their shop several times. I'm meeting with Miss Kuttler next week."

"What about the child?" asked Robert.

"Felicity Smoak. Apparently she has a very studious mind, is keen on science and math. A very clever little girl by all accounts, she'll make a good companion for Thea, and be a good influence on our daughter. The girls are close in age and Miss Thornton can teach them both. Thea isn't so keen on math and science. She's more interested in art and drama. One would be a good foil for the other."

Robert nodded. "With Oliver away at Oxford next year it will do Thea good to have the company of someone near her own age. If Miss Kuttler fits the bill, let's take her on."

"Alright," Moira agreed. "You know Oliver is not keen on Oxford. His heart is set on Sandhurst."

"Moira, the boy is only 17, he cannot possibly know what he wants. He will go to Oxford to study Business and Estate Management so he can take over from me in time. This is a tradition in my family and Oliver will damn well do as he is told." 

Moira sighed. She understood her husband's desire for continuation of tradition and for the Estate to be preserved and passed on to future generations, but what was the use if her son's heart was not in it and it made him unhappy. 

Moira had promised Oliver she would talk to his father, but once Robert's mind was made up it was almost impossible to shift and there was little time left. Moira decided to leave the matter for a few more days. There was enough time to try and persuade Robert to consider Oliver's point of view before he returned to Rugby for his final year exams.

"We need to finalize the guest list for the New Year's Ball," Moira said changing the subject.  
Robert groaned. "Must we?"  
"Yes Robert, we must." His wife smiled at him.  
"Very well" Robert sighed, but how about a pre-dinner drink first, and where are those children of ours?"  
"If you want to see Thea let's go now. It's near her bedtime, and I believe Oliver has invited the gang over for supper so we're in for a raucous evening."

Robert rolled his eyes and followed his wife out of the study. 

Moira smiled at how easily her husband had manoeuvred his way out of finalising the guest list for the ball. 

\----

Felicity had been wide-eyed from the time Robert Queen's chauffeur arrived in the Rolls Royce to take them to Queens Park. She stared at her surroundings as the car swung off the highway and turned into the main gates to the estate. 

The eleven-year-old slipped her hand into her aunt Hester's.

Hester glanced at her niece and squeezed the small hand in reassurance. The child's countenance carried an unmistakeable tinge of sadness since the day her father left.

Perhaps now they could leave some sad memories behind because a new life was about to begin for both of them.

Looking out from his bedroom window on a cold wintry afternoon, Oliver observed his father's Rolls Royce cruising up the drive. His mother said a new housekeeper was arriving today, that was probably her. He hated the idea of Fitzy leaving. She had been there since he was born and part of the few happy memories in his life. 

He didn't want to go up to Oxford after Rugby, he and Tommy wanted to go on to Sandhurst, the Royal Military Academy to study the art of warfare, but once again his dad had put his foot down and over-ridden his wishes for a second time. 

His father wanted him to study Business and Estate Management at Oxford University which offered one of the best programmes in the country, but the idea of sitting behind a desk for the rest of his life focused solely on making money was soul destroying. But he knew better than to argue with his father. He left it to his mother to fight his corner. 

"Come in," Oliver called out, responding to a knock on his door. He knew it was his mother.  
"Oliver, I've persuaded your father to at least allow you to put your case. He promises to listen."  
"That would be the first time in forever then."  
"Come on darling, give it a try."  
"Will you be there?  
"Yes" said Moira. 

Robert was standing with his back to the fire when his wife and son entered his study. "Come in Oliver, come and sit down. You need not stay Moira, Oliver and I are going to have a talk man-to man, aren't we son?" 

"Alright but I won't go far." Moira's eyes flashed warningly at her husband. "And don't forget our new housekeeper arrived earlier, so no raised voices. I don't want her to think she has come to a family where disharmony reigns."

"Yes dear, no raised voices just a friendly chat, right son?"  
"Yes dad."  
"Good."

Moira nodded and left them alone.

"Now Oliver, I told your mother I was willing to listen to your point of view, so tell me what you find attractive about being a soldier. Are you really telling me that living in a dirt trench with overflowing toilets and conditions that cause soldiers to develop life threatening diseases, never mind getting a limb or your head blown off, is really what you want to do with your life?" 

_Bloody hell. He may as well leave right now. It always begins like this. His dad would ask for his ideas, his opinions and immediately rubbish them or put his own forward instead of listening._

He always got tongue-tied when his father began their conversation with a rant. "Look dad, I know this is hard for you to understand, it's not that I want to turn my back on the Estate. You can find an experienced manager to run Queens Park and in time I will be back home and be here when you retire. I admire what you have built here but it will not flourish led by me." 

"So you want all the benefits of this life but you're not willing to maintain it or make a contribution."

"Dad, please. I want to help people, defend my country, do something worthwhile instead of, of..." 

"Instead of what Oliver? Supporting your family? Our business is more diverse than it's ever been. You can choose from mining, farming, the railways, property management. You can even open out into other areas. I don't understand you son." 

"Would you let me work on the farm, using my hands, or, or build houses? 

"Are you telling me that you want to be a common labourer. Is that it? Is that all you aspire to?"

"Mother said you would listen to my point of view but all you want to do is berate me. Do you even care about who I am, what my ambitions are, what makes me happy?" 

"Oliver, Queens Park had been in this family for generations and as the sole male heir, it is your inheritance and your responsibility to preserve it for the next generation. If you have no wish to do that, then by all means go to Sandhurst. But you can take care of your personal expenses. And your mother won't help, I forbid her to do so." 

Oliver got up and slammed out of his father's study, unshed tears blurred his vision as he stepped up the stairs to his room. He didn't see the young girl standing beside the stairs until he heard the small voice. 

"Hello, what's your name?"

Oliver stopped, used his sleeve to wipe his eyes and focused on the dark-haired girl staring up at him, her blue eyes peering out with curiosity from behind wire framed spectacles. She was not much older than Thea.

"What's your name?" she repeated. "My name is Felicity Smoak."

"Hello Felicity Smoak. I'm Oliver Queen." And he continued on his way.  


Felicity stared at Oliver's back until he disappeared from view. He looked sad. She felt an immediate affinity to the boy with light brown hair and blue eyes. Why was he unhappy she wondered. His unhappiness had reached out and connected with her. 

"Felicity there you are, I've been looking for you. Come and help me unpack your things."

"Coming Aunt Hes."

And that was the first meeting between Oliver Queen and Felicity Smoak. Taken up by his own misery, the 17-year-old Oliver did not really pay much attention to the 11-year-old little girl with her steel wire-rimmed spectacles, who had asked his name. 

Felicity on the other hand was left with an enduring image of a sad boy deserving of her empathy. 

Their lives would become inextricably entwined. 


	2. Departed Returns

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is a 10-year time jump here. Much has happened in the intervening years and a lot to take in. Events are relayed through Felicity's POV.

**New Year's Eve 1919**

_Where are you Oliver? Come home to me._

At dusk each day as the shadows roll in over the Atlantic and the pungent smell of the sea wafts over Queens Park, Felicity lights a candle and places it on the windowsill in Oliver's room. She stands there looking out on the driveway at the front of the house and waits, watching for him.

When he returns, this is the way he will come. It is the same window he'd looked out from on that cold, dreary wintry afternoon over ten years ago when Robert's Rolls Royce had brought her and Aunt Hes to Queens Park, a few days before the Queen's traditional New Year's ball.

She and Thea had been allowed to watch the guests arrive with women in splendid ballgowns and glittering jewellery. Some even wore tiaras. The men were just as resplendent in sharp evening wear.

There would be no New Year's ball this year. There had not been one for the last five years. 

This time of year was the anniversary of Moira Queen's death. She was involved in a fatal car accident in Truro just days before the New Year celebrations five years ago. The three remaining members of the family had reacted in very different ways to the tragedy. Oliver left home, Robert became morose and aloof, and Thea retreated into a silent world. 

Felicity had stood in that same place in Oliver's room several times a week since his disappearance, a few days after Moira's death. Now, since the end of the war a year ago, it had become a daily ritual. Every day at dusk she went to his room and stood at his window waiting for him to come. For some reason she had it in her head this was the time he would come, if he ever returned.

\----

Felicity Smoak loved Oliver Queen. After aunt Hes, he was the other person she loved most in the world, followed by Thea. It was a platonic, innocent, unconditional love. No complications, no demands. It just was. 

It had grown steadily from the time the 11-year-old had felt the sadness of the boy. They had formed an unspoken kindred bond over the years. 

The welcoming warmth of the entire household, family, servants and farm workers, helped Felicity settle quickly into her new surroundings.  
She and Thea were schooled inside from 8 a.m to midday. After lunch there was an hour outside either learning about aspects of farming or other fieldwork relevant to their written work. Their tutor Miss Thornton was strict but conjured up interesting practical science-based activities using their immediate environment, which fed curious minds. 

It was a carefree and happy time. When Oliver came home for holiday breaks he assumed the big brother role and taught the girls to sail, swim, and build beach fires. He'd put time aside for the three of them, separate to his 'grown-up' time with his friends, when she and Thea were rarely permitted to tag along. She remembered resenting Laurel and Sara attending the New Year balls and dancing with Oliver.

But she was no longer the 16-year-old he'd left behind. A very subtle change in their relationship began the day he tentatively kissed her. Sweet sixteen and her first kiss. 

They had taken their favourite walk beside the River Fowey on a spring day when a riot of ground-covering wild flowers were in bloom - Common Knapweed, Wild Carrot, Meadow Cranesbill, Oxeye Daisy, Toadflax. 

They removed their shoes and flopped on the grassy bank of the river, allowing the spring sunshine to warm their faces. Laying on his back, Oliver's sapphire blue eyes crinkled as he gazed up at her.

_"Don't you just love this place Felicity. It is paradise."_

_She had to agree. "I didn't know it was possible to be so happy until I arrived at Queens Park."_

_"The whole family adores you and Aunt Hess". Both Oliver and Thea had taken to calling Hester 'aunt' as Felicity did, and Hester loved it. "I sometimes think my father wishes you were the son and heir."_

_"Now you've graduated from Oxford, what do you plan to do?"_

_"Well I could move away like Tommy and the Lance girls, but I don't want to. Father would have a heart attack. 'You have a responsibility for future generations son' - he mimicked Robert's voice. "If you are here Felicity, I want to be here."_

_"You and Thea are my much loved siblings too Oliver, and I cannot ever imagine a time when I would leave Queens Park."_

_"You won't have to, if you don't want to."_

_"I try not to get too attached because nothing stays the same Oliver, life is constantly changing, people die or they leave."_

_"I won't ever leave Felicity, as long as I can make peace with dad, I want to stay here until I am old and decrepit."_

_"This is the best place in the world," they chorused. Felicity laughed at him then. Oliver suddenly sat up and began to pick daisies._

 _"What are you doing?"_

_Oliver made no response and simply continued what he was doing, until he turned to face her. He had fashioned daisy chains into circles. He took his time and rolled a small delicate oxeye daisy ring onto her finger, the larger one was a coronet for her hair. "Felicity Smoak, I hope you'll be my wife one day."_

_She had giggled and blushed. "I don't think I'll ever marry Oliver, but I will be your business partner. I am going to agricultural college next year, thanks to support from your parents."_

_"I told you they love you, but I don't want a business partner Felicity, I want a wife and children to fill this glorious place."_

_"If that's what you want, you'll make it happen. After all you are among Cornwall's most eligible and can take your pick of the county's beauties, but she'll need my approval first."_

_Oliver was silent, watching her, then leaned forward and removed her glasses. She blinked shyly at him with a sweet curve to her lips. He moved closer to her and kissed her lips, just a soft brush with his. It was her first kiss._

_Oliver jumped to his feet and held his hand out to her and pulled her up. "Come on, let's go back. It's almost time for lunch. I need to go into Truro this afternoon. Do you want to come with me?"_

Their friendship had shifted that day, into something more, and she would often find Oliver's eyes on her. They became closer and spent more time together. She even got him interested in the arable farming side of the business, explaining about planting cycles, what nutrients different crops brought to the soil, the benefits of rotating fallow fields.

That was five years ago. 

A few days later, having secreted himself in his room for twenty-four hour immediately after Moira's death, Oliver disappeared. And just like that she had lost her best friend.

Triggered by Moira's fatal accident, Oliver simply upped and vanished sometime in the middle of the night, just like her father had done. She had awaken one morning and Noah had gone. 

_People leave._

All she had left of him, her best friend, were her memories and a hastily scribbled two-line note he'd left, pushed beneath her bedroom door.

_Felicity, I cannot stay here without her. I have to go. I am enlisting to fight the Huns. Tell father, Thea and aunt Hess I said goodbye. O._

Felicity had placed it in the box where she kept her treasured possessions including her dried daisy-chain 'jewellery' and the letter her father had left for aunt Hes on the day of his departure. She was not sure that Noah's letter could be called a treasure but it was the last tangible thing she had of him. Aunt Hes had given it to her seven months ago on her 21st birthday. 

Together with her own father's abrupt departure, this was among Felicity's most painful memories. Oliver had left her too. Not even Tommy knew of his plans. He had not confided in anyone.

Felicity's heart, only slowly learning how to open to someone other than aunt Hes, had been dealt a crippling blow. What had begun to re-bloom, shrivelled again into missing and longing for, a familiar feeling.

Moira's death had probably been the straw that broke the camel's back for Oliver. The previous week he had had the most fearsome row with Robert. It was the worse it had ever been. It had gone too far.

_"What is the point of your very expensive education if you're doing nothing with it Oliver. You do not have to leave like your friends. There is every opportunity right here for you."_

_"My expensive education was not for me dad, it was for you. I have told you for years, I will be no good at running the business side of Queens Park. I told you what I wanted to do."_

_"Yes, I remember. You want to be a soldier and at a push a labourer. You are letting down the Queen name and your mother."_

_"Leave mother out of this. She understands me and why I want to be a soldier but you don't. You know nothing about your own son. You just want to force your views down my throat. No more dad. I am not that underage 17-year-old whom you forced to do your will."_

_"Well son, if you're not prepared to take up your responsibilities. I don't know what you're doing here."_

_"Don't worry father, I will go, and soon."_

She had not meant to listen but their voices had been pretty loud, everyone must have heard. She hoped Oliver would change his mind about leaving, especially if she could engage his interest in the arable farming aspect of the business, something she loved.  
Robert and Mr Pearson were interested in her ideas. Even at her young age they were always willing to answer her questions about why things were done a certain way. Felicity had a curious mind and a sharp brain, and Robert supported her desire to attend agricultural college. 

But Oliver had left. She'd had no time to change his mind. 

Felicity looked around his room. She insisted it was dusted and aired every day but nothing should be touched. Everything was the same as he had left it. 

But everything else had changed in the five years he'd been gone, leaving a family to grieve their loss without him. To their grief was also added the loss of a son, brother, and best friend too.

Robert was mostly morose until he'd married again. Thea's wounds from the loss of her mother and brother in quick succession had taken its toll. Gone was the carefree, joyous person Felicity met ten years ago. In her place was a silent shadow of the old Thea. 

Perhaps the biggest change of all was the marriage of aunt Hester to the widowed Robert Queen two years ago. Now they really were a family but there was an intangible barrier keeping them apart. That barrier was named Oliver. Robert blamed himself for his son's abandoning of the family. He should have tried to understand Oliver's point of view and perhaps come to some kind of working arrangement with him. Thea hardly ever spoke and Felicity held on to numbing pain. Hester did her best to comfort all three.

\----

Oliver left to go to war in the summer of 1914, at least that is what the family assumed, given the note he'd left Felicity. He had not been heard of since. The War Office had no record of his enlisting, his name was not among the mountainous lists of the dead and injured that she and Robert had plowed through, week after week, month after month, year after year.

Queens Park had changed too. Temporary accommodation for convalescing soldiers had sprung up around the Estate. Felicity questioned each soldier who arrived to convalesce. She showed them a photograph of Oliver and waited for the inevitable shake of their head.

They spoke of the horrors they had endured on the battlefields of Northern France. They told tales of extremely poor living conditions, trench fever, poisoned gas and the horrific injuries, especially from one of the bloodiest days of the war when the British had suffered an unspeakable number of casualties and deaths. The entire _Somme_ offensive cost the British army some 420,000 casualties.

The First World War of 1914-1918 was akin to the grim reaper's scythe. It cut down an entire generation of innocent young men, their heads filled with thoughts of honour, glory and England. They had gone off to war to make the world safe but were slaughtered in unwinnable battles planned by incompetent and indifferent generals - 'lions led by donkeys'.

Oliver would certainly have shared that sentiment. A year after the war ended she had no way of knowing whether he was one of the fallen, or held captive somewhere, or even lost his memory and was wondering around in some foreign land. 

Those who survived were shocked, disillusioned and embittered by their experiences. Some considered their real enemies to be the old men at home who had lied to them, not the Germans. Felicity was drawn to a young conscript, Billy Malone who after his experiences, rejected the values of the society that had sent him to war. He tended towards anarchy.  


Billy thought he had seen Oliver somewhere in France but his recollection was vague. The person had on a different uniform to the British soldiers. Felicity kept prompting Billy with specific questions, hoping to hear more about that memory but nothing further was forthcoming.

Felicity was conflicted by the state of the soldiers who arrived at Queens Park. She refused to give up hope that Oliver would one day find his way back to the place he loved. But would he be maimed for life, or embittered by his experiences and choose to make himself an outsider as Billy had done? Could their friendship be rekindled or would he be distant and emotionally unreachable, as many of the convalescing men seem to be. 

It was Billy who gave her the idea of what else the Estate might do to aid the men's recovery. She noticed that when they walked together through the fields that edged the Estate, Billy removed his shoes and socks, roll up his pants and stood on the soil before walking barefoot on the grass for the duration of their outing.  
He returned to the accommodation much calmer. His thoughts processes became less and less chaotic, and his agitation levels lowered significantly. Even the doctors commented on the changes in his demeanour and attitude over time.

It was inevitable then, that what became known as 'soil treatment' became part of the regime for injured men who convalesced at Queens Park. Discharge rates increased and occurred earlier than before.

Billy was reluctant to leave, he really had no place to go. Felicity suggested to Robert that he should stay and manage the 'soil treatment' aspects of rehab for the soldiers. Robert put the suggestion to the Army who agreed to employ Billy to work with the convalescent team at Fowey.

=========

His journey from Port Dakar, Senegal, West Africa to Liverpool, England was facilitated by John Diggle and his former employers the Legionnaires. He had enough money to get home to Cornwall from the Merseyside docks. 

Oliver suspected he'd been robbed by Anaïs, who had nursed him through a tortuous year, after John had dragged him from the jaws of hell, across the African desert to his home in Senegal. His memory of that entire period was hazy and patchy. Anais lived in the same compound as the Diggle family and was the fiancé of John's brother Andy. They needed the money more than he did. In fact he didn't need it at all, except to get back home.

The eleven-and-a-half days journey in steerage on board the Santa Domingo was a little hell on earth. It took what little energy he'd managed to accumulate to get himself home. He imagined that conditions were probably marginally better than for those who were forced through the Middle Passage. But instead of slaves, the passengers were immigrants from an assortment of ethnicities and places around the globe.

When his dysentery and fever flared, his fellow passengers turned out to be the kindest people he could wish to have around him. Chinese and African women popped their heads around the partition separating males from females to give their husbands healing tisanes for him.  
The men tried to make him eat and drink more but food on board ship was difficult for him to manage. Two men took turns to prop him up between them and walk him up on deck twice a day to get fresh and air and keep his leg muscles supple. They even trimmed his hair and his beard to make him more presentable when the ship docked in England.

By the time Oliver Queen arrived in Liverpool he was weak, dehydrated and on the verge of delirium. He was hanging on by a thread. 

Eking out the few shillings in his pocket to travel by tram and the occasional stagecoach, he finally arrived at the Smithy in Truro. He was instantly recognised, the local squire's son returned from the war. The blacksmith immediately offered to take Oliver home in his buggy but he refused and asked to loan a horse instead.

If it wasn't for her he'd never return to this place. He had survived only for her. Felicity. His wife. The thought of her was the only thing that brought him back from death on many occasions. She had pulled him from the godforsaken hellholes that had been his life for four plus years, until John brought him to Senegal. 

Oliver sat on his mount peering at his home through teary eyes. The person who left Queens Park a lifetime ago was not the person returning. If he was in his right mind he'd never return here, or at least he would have tried to get himself into a better physical and mental state before facing his father, and Felicity.

The chill sea air assaulted the skin on his face, the smell of brine and seaweed permeated his nostrils. He could almost taste the salt on his tongue. Oliver began to cough and his heart thumped in his chest. His eyes were drawn to the grey granite walls of his home then veered towards the location of his bedroom. He saw a small flickering light and urged the horse forward as the darkness closed in on him.

\----

Felicity heard the whinnying of a horse and snapped back into the room from wherever her mind had taken her. She peered through the glass to the driveway, the dim gaslight illuminating the driveway was enough for her to see the horse and beyond it a figure laying on the ground. 

_Oliver!_

She knew immediately it was him. Oliver had come home. 

"Robert, aunt Hes, it's Oliver. He's home," Felicity yelled. Her feet careered down the staircase. "Oliver is home."

It seemed that every door in the house opened and the entire household appeared. Robert, Hester, Thea, Mr and Mrs Parkes, the new housekeeper and her husband who was also Robert's chauffeur, and other live-in servants.

"Felicity, what's all the commotion, what has happened?" Hester was the first to speak. 

"It's Oliver. He's home and he's hurt," Felicity said running pass everyone towards the front door.

Still staring after her in bewilderment, they followed her outside. When Robert saw the figure laying on the ground, he knew straightaway who it was. He took charge. "Parkes fetch Dr Simpson, tell him my son's hurt and I need him here right away. The rest of you help me to bring him inside."

By the time Robert reached Oliver, Felicity was already kneeling by his side. Together they turned his prone body over. Robert felt for a pulse, it was weak. Then he looked at his son's face. It wasn't Oliver, but it was. His face was gaunt and almost unrecognisable. His son was skin and bones.

Robert Queen gestured the servants away. He picked up his boy and took him inside. Felicity and Hester followed.

Robert laid Oliver on the bed and removed his boots and coat. The tears streamed down his face, as he took a blanket and covered his unconscious son. 

Hester moved over to Felicity and without a word took her trembling niece in her arms. "It's okay" she whispered, stroking her hair. "We'll take care of him, all of us. Oliver will be as right as rain in no time. You'll see."

Felicity nodded numbly. She couldn't think right now, she couldn't speak. He had returned. Oliver had come home to her.

"Here, why don't you sit down until the doctor arrives." Hester settled Felicity into an armchair and went back to her husband. She touched his arm lightly. "I'll go and wait for the doctor downstairs Robert." He looked vacantly at her and nodded.

It was silent in Oliver's room as two of the three people who probably loved him most waited.

No one noticed that Thea was not with them. 


	3. Emotional Knots

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The family come together to care for Oliver. Some emotional knots formed by his loss are released for Thea but Felicity is conflicted.

Felicity sat staring at Oliver, all else faded into the background including Robert who stood on the other side of the bed, looking down on his son.

"Felicity help me get his clothes off before Simpson arrives. He must have worn these for days. There should be some pyjamas in one of those drawers." Between them they removed Oliver's clothes, his body looked pitifully wasted, his ribs were visible beneath his skin. 

The sight of Oliver like that brought tears to Felicity's eyes. She had not known the fullness of what he brought to her world until he was no longer in it. Without him everything became tasteless, there was no flavour in her life, no light, no laughter, no joy. Life carried on but the pain was a continuous silent pulse in the depth of her being, it mirrored Thea's silenced words. Oliver was the beating heart of the family, even for Robert, and that heart had been wrenched away from them. 

Gradually, as his absence stretched into years, Felicity realised how deeply she cared for Oliver Queen. Her love for him had matured and grown even during his absence. But in her mind it left her vulnerable, open to hurt and pain. Time passed but the pain remained. 

The tears ran down her cheeks. 

"You love my son Felicity." It was both a realization and an acknowledgement. 

Felicity nodded. Her sorrowful eyes came to rest upon Robert. She had grown to love him too, as she watched him turn increasingly to aunt Hess for solace after Moira's death. 

Their eventual marriage three years later seemed inevitable to Felicity. Aunt Hess deserved happiness. When the news came out about the relationship it was met with some snobbery and a certain amount of gossip in the small rural town. 

Society was still rigidly stratified and as a seamstress and housekeeper, Hester was considered to be well below the class of the Queens. Robert had married beneath him, but preoccupation with the war deflected attention away from the newly-weds. 

Hester blossomed in her new found happiness. An attractive woman, she was only twenty years old when she abandoned her own life to care for Donna's new-born baby. Now she had found the security and love she'd always hungered after. 

Hester came into the room with her arm around Thea, followed by Dr Simpson. Thea immediately walked to Oliver's bed and tentatively reached out for him, her fingertips barely touching his face. For the last five years she lived in near-total silence. The doctor told the family it was Thea's way of dealing with emotional anxiety and she'd decide when she was ready to talk.

Dr Simpson cleared his throat. "I'm going to ask you all to leave while I examine Oliver. Robert I'd like you to stay." 

"I want to be with Ollie. Can I stay too. Please let me stay with him." The croaky near whisper caused everyone to pause and focus on Thea. This was the first time in five years she had engaged directly in any conversation or uttered more than a few words at a time. She preferred to write her words down rather than speak them.

Hester was the first to respond. "Thea darling, it's okay. Why don't you and I and Felicity organise something nice for Oliver to eat when he wakes up. Come sweetheart. Dr Simpson will take good care of him and you can see him in a while." Hester place her arm around the waist of an acquiescent Thea and led her away. Felicity followed them. 

\----

Robert and Dr Simpson joined the three women assembled in the drawing room. "Oliver is going to be fine but I wanted you all to hear what the doctor has to say." Robert gestured the doctor to a seat. 

"We shall have to wait until Oliver wakes up and is stronger before I can do a thorough assessment of his condition. He is running a high fever and is extremely dehydrated. I suspect he contracted Typhus fever at some point in the last few years." 

"Is Oliver going to die? Father said he would be fine." Thea's voice quavered. Dr Simpson lifted his hand to calm everyone down. 

"No Thea, Oliver is not going to die. This has nothing to do with Typhoid. That's a serious bacterial infection, often fatal. Typhus fever occurs from poor hygienic conditions that affect soldiers in the trenches. If not treated properly initially, it will flair up again in less than ideal conditions. 

"I suspect Oliver's immune system has taken a beating, but he is young and with appropriate care and time he will make a full recovery. Give him time. Avoid bombarding him with questions, he'll need peace and quiet. I'm surprised he was able to ride for any length of time. He was lucky to make it home before he collapsed." 

"Does he need anything immediately doctor?" Hester look anxiously at the physician. She had grown fond of her now step-son in the five years they'd lived under the same roof. 

"I've given him a mild tincture of barbiturates. He will sleep through the night, but someone should keep an eye on him overnight. He needs rehydration, and nourishing Hester but it will take time. Give him plenty of fluids, soups, fresh fruit and vegetables. Milk dishes will help with hydration. He should eat a small amount at a time but regularly, every two to three hours." 

Dr Simpson smiled kindly at the family and turned to Robert. "I will be back in a couple of days to check on him. If you need me, you know where I am Robert."

"Thank you Dr Simpson, we will take care of him." Robert stood up to escort the doctor out. 

"We should take turns to stay in his room overnight," Hester said when her husband returned. 

"I'll stay with him dad." 

Robert looked indulgently at his daughter. "It's probably best if you took care of your brother during the day Thea. Hester and I will take care of him tonight." 

Thea nodded her agreement. Felicity said nothing. Indeed she had not spoken since they found Oliver laying on the ground. 

\----

Felicity was unable to sleep, she was conflicted. She was happy that Oliver came home; more than happy. But her emotions were all knotted up. She didn't know how to feel, or how to express whatever it was that she was feeling. The sadness and pain were still there but now she felt relieved and happier. Felicity was surprised to find anger too but none of it truly expressed the deepest feeling at her core. The more she delved into those feelings the more she pushed away what was really gnawing at her. Fear. But what was there to fear? Oliver was home, there was nothing to be afraid of any more. 

She swung her legs out of bed, put her robe on and padded along to Oliver's room. 

Robert stood with his back to her, looking out of the window. He turned when she walked in. "Felicity what are you doing here? You should be in bed." 

"Robert, I..." 

"It's okay Felicity, I'll sleep here tonight. I've had a cot brought in so I can get some rest. You go back to bed, Oliver will be fine." 

"Robert please, I need...can I..." 

He went to her and put a hand on her shoulder. "What is it Felicity? You have been unusually quiet since Oliver came home. Are you okay?" 

"I don't know. I just need to be here with Oliver." 

Robert stared at her then nodded. "Okay. Call me if you need me." He kissed her forehead and left the room. 

Felicity put the pillows at the bottom of the cot and propped herself up so she could look at Oliver full on. She could hear his easy breathing, which must have eventually lulled her to sleep because she woke with a start and was immediately alert to where she was. 

Oliver was moaning and mumbling in his sleep, turning his head from side to side. Felicity was out of bed in seconds and sat down beside him. She placed her ear close to his mouth to hear what he was saying. Nothing. 

"Oliver," she whispered, "you're home, you're safe now." 

"Anaïs, is that you?"

"Oliver, it's me, Felicity. You are at home in your own bed." She placed her hand on his heart, his clothes were wet. Suddenly Oliver's hand shot out and gripped her throat. His fingers bit into her flesh, hurting her. 

"Oliver," she choked, "you're hurting me." Her fingers try to prise his hand away. She wanted to pummel his chest but feared hurting him. "Oliver please," she gasped. She managed to loosen the grip of one of his fingers and his hand fell away from her body as suddenly as he'd held on to her. 

Felicity was shocked into immobility. She could not move and remained exactly where she was, staring down at him. She realized Oliver was still fast asleep. She couldn't let him sleep in wet clothes, she had to wake Robert. She touched her sore throat, there would be bruises by tomorrow. 

Robert was at his bedroom door almost immediately after her knock. "Felicity, is Oliver okay?" 

"I think his fever broke. His pyjamas are soaking wet, even the bed clothes are damp. We need fresh linen and I need help to change him."

"You go to bed love, Robert and I will take care of Oliver." Hester appeared at the door beside her husband. 

"It's okay Felicity," said Robert, "you get some sleep, we will deal with it. I'll stay with him now." 

Felicity nodded. "Okay." 

\----

It was late when Felicity awoke in her own room. She washed her face and hurriedly dressed in a skirt and jersey. She put a scarf around her neck to hide the ugly dark red weals on her skin left by Oliver's fingers. 

Thea was already there when Felicity arrived. She looked transformed, almost back to the happy young girl Felicity remembered. The change in just a few hours was startling. 

"There you are Felicity. Ollie has been asking for you but he's gone back to sleep now." 

"Good morning Thea. How are you feeling today?" 

Thea beamed at her. "I'm so glad he's back. I thought we had lost him for ever, like mum." 

"I'm glad he's back too Thea." 

Are you going to join us? I'm sure Ollie will be awake again soon." 

"I'm going to have some breakfast, then look in on the men. I'll be back later." 

For the next three days and nights Oliver dipped in and out of consciousness. Dr Simpson said that was the best thing for him. Robert, Hester and Felicity took turns to sleep in his room overnight. They didn't make a big deal about Oliver's nightmares, they accepted it and dealt with the situation as it occurred. Felicity had learnt not to touch him when he was obviously in the throes of one. She talked to him softly until her voice permeated his consciousness, then he calmed down and slept.

During the day Thea stuck to him like glue. She woke her brother every few hours and made him eat, which left him disgruntled. Felicity joined them sometimes and teased him about his grizzly bear-ness, but they mostly watched him sleep. 

By the fourth day Oliver was much more lively. He was sitting up in bed chatting to Thea when Felicity arrived. She stood hesitantly by the door, suddenly feeling shy as Oliver's eyes raked over her before settling on her face, as if he was seeing her for the first time. 

"Hey. I've been looking forward to seeing you when I'm more awake. Come and sit beside me." Like a thirsty man he drank her in, the reality of his dreams. The person who had kept him going through the darkest days. 

He grinned, and she caught a glimpse of the old Oliver but his face was drawn, he looked pale and still exhausted. He patted the bed, urging her to sit beside him. 

Felicity walked over to him and kissed him softly on the cheek. "Good morning. Welcome home. You look more alive today." They gazed at each other for long moments.

"I've had my catch up time. I'll leave you two alone. See you later brother." 

"Sit beside me," Oliver said once Thea had left. "Are you okay, you're looking a little pensive." 

"I can't believe you're back. It's just taking a little time to sink in." 

"Dad said you stayed with me all night when I first arrived. Thank you." 

"You don't have to thank me Oliver, we're family now and take care of each other." 

There was a few minutes of awkward silence, neither of them able to express their true feelings. They both spoke at once and laughed. "You go first" said Oliver. 

"I was just going to say you must know by now that aunt Hes and Robert are married." 

"Yes, Dad told me and Thea has already brought me up to date with the last five years. I am happy for them both. I must say my father seems less cantankerous than I remembered." He grinned. "Aunt Hes is obviously good for him. I bet the whole of Fowey and beyond are agog."

"Yes, some people clearly disapproved, we are still steeped in that small town mentality."

"The war may have changed some of that but I doubt it. Good for dad, he has gone up in my estimation. They obviously care deeply for each other. Hester glows." He and Robert needed to really talk, he knew that, but not yet. He was also aware that he and Felicity were making small talk to gloss over their awkwardness with each other. 

"I hope the war will have changed those attitudes and prejudices. There has been some change for women, large numbers were recruited into the jobs left by the men who went to war. Many of them became canaries."

"Canaries? He looked perplexed. "You mean women are going down coalmines? Surely not." 

Felicity laughed. "No, not yet but they do work in the new munitions factories which sprung up during the war, and primarily employ women. Many of them work with TNT, the explosive agent turn their skin yellow. They risk their lives working without adequate protective clothing and safety measures. Some have died. That is unconscionable, it makes me so angry." 

Oliver was watching her with interest. She was no longer that innocent sixteen-year-old he'd kissed on the banks of the river. She was beautiful then and even more beautiful now in her indignation. His future wife was a little live wire. "In the short time I've been away, you may have become a social reformer, a very beautiful one mind you. God knows society needs reforming." 

Felicity's breath caught in her throat. This is the first time he'd called her beautiful. She smiled softly. "That's Billy talking. I've obviously been spending too much time around him."

Oliver's ears pricked up. "Billy? Who is Billy?" 

"Billy Malone is, was, a wounded soldier who convalesced on the Estate. He works here now." She decided not to mention Billy thought he'd recognised Oliver's photograph and might have seen him in France, now was not the time. 

She wanted to ask about Anaïs but now was not the time either. "There has been some changes on the Estate since you've been gone. There's a lot to catch up on Oliver, but I mustn't tire you." 

"I'm fine Felicity. I want to hear everything about your life since I've been away. Dad told me you acquired a diploma in soil management and crop rotation in double quick time. I also know that Thea hardly spoke since I left."  
His voice fell to a whisper as he spoke of his sister. "I've missed out on so much of your lives, the people I most care about."

"It's okay Oliver, you were away fighting in a war, as many others. We have all the time in the world to catch up on everything. Dr Simpson is calling again today and it won't do for him to find you agitated and it's my fault. I need some breakfast. You should eat too."

Oliver chuckled softly. "Aunt Hes has already brought fruit and porridge and literally stood over me whilst I ate every morsel. She threatens to feed me if I don't finish my meals. I'm at the mercy of the women in this house." 

"Good, I'm glad to hear it. Dr Simpson said you must eat little but often. I'm sure it's time for your next meal." 

"I see you are all determined to fatten me up. Go and have your breakfast and come back to me. You can even bring me something to eat if you insist, okay?" 

Just then there was a knock on the door. "Oliver it's Dr Simpson, may I come in?" Felicity opened the door. "Good morning Felicity, how is the patient doing?" 

"I'm not sure doctor. He can be a little stubborn. What would you recommend?" 

"I'm fine Dr Simpson but I need to get out of this bed," Oliver said with a small grin. 

The doctor turned to felicity. "I see what you mean. We might have to keep him sedated." He winked at her. 

"Okay, okay, I'll stay in bed for today but I'm getting up tomorrow." Oliver asserted. 

Can you leave us Felicity. I'll let you know when I'm done with my recalcitrant patient."  
"Of course doctor, I was just going anyway." 

\----

True to his word Oliver was up for breakfast with the rest of the family the next day. His clothes hung off his angular body, but he was completely different to the man they found sprawled on the ground almost a week ago. 

"Oliver are you sure this is a good idea. Dr Simpson said your recovery will take some time." 

"Dad I know you mean well but I spent practically six months laying on my back in a mosquito-infested hut and another three trying to get strong enough to face the twelve day journey back to England in the bowels of a ship. It took its toll on me and I look worse than I feel. I need sea air, sun and exercise. You are all taking such good care of me, it will hasten my recovery. Believe me, if I have to stay in that bed a moment longer I will go insane." 

"Okay son, you know best what you need but take it slowly, don't over tire yourself." 

"I won't, I want to see all the changes on the Estate and I would also like to meet some of the men who are convalescing here." The person whom he really wanted to meet was this Billy Malone who seem to have made an impact on Felicity. "Felicity do you think the farm can spare you to show me around and introduce me to the men?" 

Felicity glanced at Robert. "Yes, I can do that, but only until it's time for your next meal. Two hours tops. That's long enough for your first day out, and I'll do it only if you promise to just sit and stare for some of the day." 

Oliver rolled his eyes. "Yes, okay, I promise. Can we go now? I have eaten every morsel of my breakfast." 

Thea was not going to be left out. She didn't want to let Oliver out of her sight. "Can I come too?"

Oliver didn't want to shut Thea out but he needed to spend some time with Felicity, he'd seen so little of her since he felt more alert. "I want to discuss something with Felicity Speedy. Why don't you join me for a snack in a couple of hours. I'm sure Felicity will have abandoned me by then." 

Thea grinned. "Okay. I can help cook prepare something nice. We can have a picnic." 

"Great idea. I look forward to it." He turned to Felicity. "Shall we?"

Oliver led her to a bench which overlooked the River Fowey, some way from the house. "I thought you wanted to meet some of the convalescing soldiers?" 

"I do but there's plenty of time. Can we sit for a while?" 

"Okay." 

"I wanted to apologise to you for the manner of my departure five years ago. It was a thoughtless thing to do. And selfish. I left you to tell my family. Can you forgive my cowardice?" 

"It hurt all of us, but I understand why you had to go. I heard the row between you and Robert the week before Moira died."

Oliver stared out over the river. He had blocked so much from his mind. Now he thought about the day they sat on the riverbank and he'd made her a ring of daisies. “I've missed you so much,” he whispered. 

“I missed you too, every minute of every day.” She took his hand. "You are here now and I'm happy. And I don't think you are a coward Oliver." 

"Your face was the only thing I had to hold on to through the darkest times. War taught me how precious life is and short. We squander that precious gift on inconsequential things, things of little significance. I want to live my life, fully, here with you. I don't want to wait." He turned to look at her. "I love you Felicity Smoak, will you marry me?" 

He watched the shock and surprise chase across her face then, to his horror, her shoulders began to shake. The tears fell silently and landed on their clasped hands. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor Oliver - once a dork, always a dork.


	4. The Absent Father

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To better understand Felicity we have to go back in time to the village of Chipping Camden, and the experiences and values (the latter being Hester's) that shaped her. This chapter takes us back to where it all began, to the origins of Felicity Smoak.
> 
> Meet Noah Kuttler.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is that rogue chapter that jumped in first and blindsided me. I thought it was the first chapter of this fic but it just wasn't working. Apparently my brain was running way ahead of me.

_The village of Chipping Camden, Cornwall, Southern England, 1905_

Felicity's mother Donna Smoak did not really recover after childbirth. She never left her bedroom again and died two years later. 

Donna's family did not approved of her marrying the older Noah Kuttler but she fell in love with the tall, handsome and distinguished looking man. It was love at first sight and she chose estrangement from her family to be with him.

In the beginning life was good. Noah was a highly skilled engineer working as a mines inspector for the Poldark Tin Mining Company. He was allocated a compact but comfortable three-bedroom mining cottage in the village of Chipping Camden on the edge of the ancient Cornish town of Fowey. 

Noah chose to stay in the small friendly village where his mother and father had lived and worked. His younger sister Hester still lived there. Because of his regular absence from home, Noah wanted his wife to be close to his sister, given Donna's own family had literally cut her off. He tried to persuade Hester to move in with them, an ideal solution as far as he was concerned, but his sister was determined to retain her independence. 

Hester had little regard for the norms of society. She would make her own way in life and had no need for the protection of a man, although she wanted to find love. That seemed unlikely though. The small number of possible suitors were not people she would contemplate marrying. They were too traditional with set views on the role and place of women. 

About two years into Noah's marriage Hester noticed that her sister-in-law became more unhappy as time went by, but Donna never spoke of it, even when pressed. 

Hester had come to love her sister-in-law dearly and it broke her heart to see Donna weep silently but still refused to confide in her. When Hester broached the subject with her brother, a shuttered look fell over Noah's face and his eyes avoided hers.

The cause of Donna's distress was revealed one dark night when Hester was awoken from her sleep by urgent pounding on her door. On opening it, she was confronted by two men propping up her pale and gaunt looking brother between them. 

"Noah!" Hester screamed.  
"He needs a doctor Mistress," said one of the men.

"What happened to my brother" wailed Hester, moving back to let them in. Then she saw the blood seeping through beneath the sleeve of his overcoat. "Oh dear god, he's hurt. What happened?"

"He's been stabbed Mistress." 

\----

When Hester walked into her small spare room the next morning, Noah was already awake. "Good morning brother, I've brought you some tea. How are you feeling this morning? Thank goodness that knife didn't sever an artery."

Noah gave his sister a sheepish look. "I got caught up in the middle of a brawl in the tavern last night Hes. I asked the boys to bring me here. I didn't want to worry Donna."

Hester looked skeptical. "Why would anyone want to stab you?" She stared steadily at her brother through the steel wire-rimmed glasses perched on her nose. Noah was unable to meet her eyes and she knew it was a tall story. 

Hester adored her older brother and would go to the ends of the earth for him, but she was not a stupid woman.

"You better get your story straight Noah because Donna will be here any minute. I'm surprised she isn't here already, since you've obviously not been home since you left yesterday. She must be worried to death."

"She won't come here Hes."

"You're her husband Noah and you have been missing all night, this is the first place she'd come."

Noah shook his head. "No. This isn't the first time I've not gone home, sometimes I've been away for two nights." 

"Two nights? In the name of all that is holy Noah, why? Where were you?"

The whole sordid story came pouring out then.  
Noah had taken up with a gamblers' den when he began working at Poldark Mining. What started as a flutter at cards, dice and horses, had turned into a serious gambling problem. He owed a lot of money. 

Instead of going home last night, Noah tried to make good on his losses and stayed in town to gamble, not in the tavern but in some backstreet dive. He'd lost again, badly. Unable to meet his mounting debts, he'd been challenged by his creditors and it turned nasty. 

Hester had been puzzled as to why Donna was often short of cash, since Noah earned a good wage. On occasion she forced her sister-in-law to accept a little financial help, which came out of her meagre but adequate income as a seamstress. Now she knew the full extent of Noah's misdeeds.

Hester sat down at the bottom of the bed. "So that's why Donna has been so unhappy. Why didn't you tell me. I could have helped."

"That's exactly why I said nothing Hes, I don't want to take your money. Please, will you go and see Donna and stay with her. I don't want her to see me like this."

"Your wife needs to know you are safe Noah. She must be scared to death and worried that something dreadful must have happened to you every time you don't come home."

"She thinks I'm having an affair. She has accused me of such."  
"And have you?" his sister quizzed.

Hester didn't want to judge her brother but he was driving her to the edge. She wanted to hit him. He had a good life, a beautiful and loving wife. Why would he just throw it away like this?

"No. Of course not," Noah said wearily, shoulders slumped. He stared at his sister. "I'm telling the truth Hes. I'd never do that. I love Donna. She is the love of my life."

Hester gave her brother a withering look. "I will go and see Donna and I'll tell her you are here, that you were drunk and had some sort of accident. You better get yourself up and dressed, and decide what you want to say to your wife."

\----

Hester hoped that Noah would work at getting his marriage back on track, but following that fateful night, Donna seemed to get even more unhappy and frail looking. Several months later her sister-in-law announced her pregnancy.

Hester gave up her tiny cottage rented from Queens Park Estate, to move in with her brother when the sickly Donna returned home from hospital with her tiny scrap of a daughter.

Donna's death two years after childbirth was unexpected but probably inevitable. Whatever the nature of the malady that assailed Donna Smoak, from Hester's point of view, she'd simply lost the will to live. 

No one would ever know of the sorrow and regret Donna carried in her soul. The deepest one of all was probably the inability to care for her baby girl. Hester had to acquire the services of a wet nurse since feeding her child was beyond what Donna was able to manage.  
Hester suspected that Donna had faith that her sister-in-law would take good care of her child.

\----

On the day of his disappearance, Noah awakened his sister early. He shook Hester gently by the shoulder.  
Startled from her sleep, Hester sat up in bed blinking myopically at her brother. "Noah, what's happened? Are you travelling for work today? You normally tell me in good time."

Noah smiled at his sister, maintaining an aura of calmness that he did not feel. "Everything is fine Hester, Felicity is sleeping. I need to go to London on urgent business and have to catch the 7 o'clock train from Truro."

"This is unexpected. How long will you be gone?"

"Just a few days, no more than three or four. I know this has come up suddenly, and I'm sorry. Will you and Felicity be alright in my absence?"

Hester blinked at her brother. "Are you in some kind of trouble Noah? Is there something I should know about?" She peered up at him, unable to discern anything from his demeanour. 

"Calm yourself Hes. There's nothing to be troubled about. I'll be back before you know it. And in case you need anything for the house, I've left a little cash in an envelope on my desk in the study".  
Noah bent down to give his sister a light kiss on her forehead. He squeezed her shoulder gently. 

Hester reached for her steel wire spectacles, perched it on the tip of her nose, and stretched to the end of her bed for her dressing gown.

"There's no need to get up Hes. Stay in bed. Felicity won't be awake for at least an hour. Give her a kiss for me and tell her I love her." 

"I will do that Noah but she will be upset that you left without telling her. She pines dreadfully when you're away and is very clingy when you come back." 

"I know Hes, but I can hardly wake her now."

"Yes, Okay. Have you had any breakfast? It's a long journey to London. You should have something before you leave."

"Don't fuss Hes, I'm fine. I'll pick up something in Truro and there'll be sandwiches on the train."  
Hester nodded her head. "Take care brother and be safe in London. There are some unsavoury places in that City."

"You worry too much Hes. I'll see you in a few days," said Noah easing himself out of the room and closing the door softly behind him.

Hester waited until she heard the front door close to get out of bed and go the livingroom. Peering through the net curtains she could just glympse her brother's back disappearing down the street in the direction of the post office, where he would pick up a handsom cab into Truro.

Hester Kuttler sighed and brushed aside the uneasy feeling at the pit of her stomach. She shivered in the cold, dank November morning and hurried to her room to get dressed and begin breakfast before waking her niece. 

\----

"Where has father gone aunt Hes? He usually wakes me before he goes to work." 

"Your father had to leave early today Felicity. He has urgent business in London and caught the first train."

"Oh. He didn't tell me. Will he be back tomorrow?" asked the little girl.  
"He will be away for three or four days. Now eat your breakfast, you don't want to be late for school."

Felicity was crestfallen. She hated it when her father went on business trips. Her greatest fear was that he'd never come back. 

Felicity ate two or three spoonful of porridge then pushed the bowl away. She nibbled on a piece of toast whilst jamming her spoon into the poached egg and pulling it out again. When she had done that for the third time, Hester's attention focused on her niece.

"Eat up Felicity. You need a good breakfast when it's so cold outside sweetheart."

"I'm not hungry Aunt Hes."  
"Please Felicity," pleaded her aunt. Just a couple of mouthful for me."

Felicity relented and took a mouthful but immediately retched and ran out of the room.

Hester sighed. Damn Noah. Why did he have to do this. He knew how upset Felicity got when he was away and this time he hadn't even said goodbye to her. 

Hester found the little girl in her room crying her eyes out. She comforted her niece as best as she could and finally persuaded Felicity to help pack her lunchbox for school. She added an extra banana and a piece of cake to make up for the lack of breakfast. 

Having walked her niece to the village school, Hester hastened back to the cottage to the tiny attic room where she did her sewing beneath a dim electric light which did her already weak eyesight no good. But the money earned helped to put food on the table.

It was not until lunchtime that Hester remembered her brother's letter. Taking her cheese, lettuce and tomato sandwich into his study, Hester retrieved the envelope with her name on it from Noah's desk and read what was written on the single sheet of paper. 

_My Dear Hester_  
_I am so sorry I've let you and Felicity down. I am in serious trouble and have to leave the country. I'm sure you can guess why._

_I intend to make my way to the New World for a fresh start. The bad news is the Poldark Mining Company will probably repossess the cottage. I am so sorry Hess._

_I know you have the small stipend father left you and there is 500 pounds in the envelope. Please take care of my daughter, your niece. As soon as I'm settled, I'll let you know where I am and perhaps you and Felicity can join me._

_You do not deserve this dearest Hes, I know. I promise I will do my utmost to make it up to you and Felicity one day. Please forgive me._

_My love to you both_  
_Your brother_  
_Noah_

The hand holding the letter shook and the sheet of paper floated to the floor. Hester sat down heavily in the chair. 

She stared at the crisp bank notes on the desk. It was a goodly sum of money and Noah must have been planning this for some time in order to have accumulated this amount. But it would not sustain them for long. It should in any case go towards Felicity's further education.

Hester stood and began to pace the floor getting more and more agitated with each step as the next thought hit her. How on earth was she going to tell that precious child that her father had literally abandoned her. 

Hester visualized her niece with similar spectacles to her aunt's framing her little face, and her heart hardened against her brother. 

Their father had given Noah the best education he could afford. He attended technical college in Exeter to acquire his engineering qualifications while Hester remained at home working in her father's small haberdashery. 

Her mother taught her to sew and that skill provided her with a semblance of self sufficiency but she'd wanted a proper education. 

Now Noah had absconded, making his motherless daughter fatherless too, leaving her to care for and provide for his child. Well she would ensure that her niece got the education she never had, do or die. A good education was a shield against a world that assigned a limited role to women.

Tomorrow she would travel to the Head Offices of Poldark Tin Mining Company and give them notice of her intention to vacate the cottage, before they issued an eviction notice. God only knew how he and Felicity would manage. They were facing near penury. 

She hoped Poldark's would give her enough time to provide some stability in Felicity's life before they had to leave their home.

It was almost time to collect her niece from school. Hester knew she would struggle to explain to a seven-year-old why her father had gone away for an indefinite period of time, then comfort the child through her heartbreak. It was clear to Hester that her brother would not be returning to Cornwall.

Felicity sobbed for a long while in her aunt's arms, until she finally fell asleep.  
She had woken in the middle of the night and crawled into Hester's bed, her little body trembling with grief, as the tears ran soundlessly down her face. 

It broke Hester's heart when Felicity asked the inevitable question. "Does father not love me any more aunt Hes, is that why he went away?" the little girl asked with a tremor in her voice.

"Your father loves you very much Felicity. You are his best girl and one day you'll see him again my love."

"When aunt Hes? When will he come home?"

"I don't know Felicity, it might take a little while." 

Hester had held on tightly to the little girl until she fell asleep again. 

\----

Once the period of intense grief had passed the little girl talk incessantly about her father. She wanted to know every detail of his life, from the time he and Hester were growing up as children. She wrote down everything Hester told her in a little notebook her father had given her. It became a treasured possession. 

"Where would father be aunt Hes?" 

That was a question Hester could not answer. Noah was probably be in the Americas by now but she could not tell her niece her father had fled the country. Perhaps one day she would but not now.

"He said he would let us know when he was settled somewhere, so we just have to wait to hear from him Felicity." 

That set up an expectation in Felicity that a letter would arrive at any time and she constantly asked whether her aunt had been to the post office. Felicity's hope faded as the months passed and no letter was forthcoming. She stopped asking about her father and talking about him altogether. It was as if he never existed, the little girl seemed to have wiped Noah from her mind.

Hester was worried about her niece. Felicity seemed to have aged over night but Hester knew how much she was hurting inside. Her little face bore the hallmarks of her inner anguish and Hester felt helpless in her inability to take that pain away. Apart from the Smoak family who had never met Felicity, they had only each other now.

\----

To Hester's surprise and relief Mr Spence, head of the Engineering Division at Poldark's, was helpful and solicitous. Noah had been an excellent engineer, one of the best in the company and they were sorry to lose him. 

There was no great urgency for Hester to vacate the cottage as there were no potential occupant on the books and the Company would prefer to not leave the house empty. 

Mr Spence knew Hester Kuttler was a seamstress, and proposed an arrangement. She could provide Poldark's with a certain amount of overalls annually for their workers in return for occupying the cottage and paying a token sum in rent.

But the time came when the arrangement with Poldark and her part-time work in Truro was not enough. Part of providing a good education and security for her niece meant moving from Chipping Camden. She had to think of the child's future. 

Mrs Fitzwilliam had come up with the perfect solution to Hester's dilemma, one better than she had hoped for, especially the offer for Felicity to be schooled with the young daughter of the Queen family. 

Hester was relieved when Felicity had settled quickly into their new situation and seemed to strive. All thoughts of Noah appeared to have faded far into the background, but Hester didn't want her niece to forget her father. She decided that at some point, when Felicity was older, she would give her Noah's letter. It expressed the hope that father and daughter might be reunited one day. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter picks up the present day, exactly where we left it in chapter three.


	5. Grief Unresolved

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Although absent, Felicity's father looms large in the shadows of her mind and dictates her responses to life, to Oliver. She wants to accept love but cannot trust it, cannot trust him.

Oliver was mortified. Words failed him. What had just happened? He had no idea. "Felicity please. Don't cry. Did I say something wrong?"

This is not what she wants. Not now, if ever. Does he not understand? His abrupt disappearance from her life hurt her deeply, will always hurt her. Without a word he had left her in the middle of the night. Just like that last time, that other time when Noah had left her in the middle of the night too. She could not trust him.

Those she loved left.

The dam broke then and the dark underbelly of grief that secreted itself in the marrow of the child's bones, and insinuated itself in the void mother and father-shaped spaces inside, erupted. An emotional knot was being released.

Felicity's heartbroken sobs seared Oliver's soul. He didn't understand and it frightened him. He opened and closed his mouth. There were no words he could find to adequately respond to the raw trauma engulfing her and spilling out over him.

He tried.

"Felicity I'm...I don't...." His words trailed away when she stood and half walked, half ran away from him in the direction of the house.

Oliver watched as she got farther and farther away from him until she disappeared from view.

He remained seated on the bench staring out over the river. His gaze surveyed the verdant and vibrant growth that cradled his home, punctuated by the iridescence of a tranquil river snaking its way down to the sea. High above him a flock of herring gulls flew southward in formation.

This was his home, the place he wanted to be, with her. His mind simply refused to conjure up a life without her but he'd been clumsy, stupid. It was much too soon to have blurted out his heart's desire. He was a fool. He'd not even begun to bridge that five year gap between them, to explain himself, why he did what he'd done. Perhaps share with her what he could about his experiences away from Queens Park.

He remembered well the afternoon he and Felicity walked on the banks of the Fowey and he'd fashioned her a ring out of oxeye daisies, declaring his intention to make her his wife in time to come.

They had drawn closer that day, and he kept noticing her beauty. She had gone from a serious 11-year-old peering earnestly at him from behind her steel wire-rimmed spectacles asking his name, to a 16-year-old blossoming beauty who captured his attention. Then she became a figment of his imagination but also real as her image sustained him and pulled him through the worse of his war years. Here she was now, this amazing enigmatic woman he wanted to marry.

There had been no time to develop their blossoming relationship because his world had been shattered a few days later. First he and Robert had a terrible row and he'd accelerated his plans to join the French Foreign Legion early in the new year. He'd chosen the Foreign Legion over the British army for the anonymity it offered. His father had many friends among high-powered decision-makers and could easily scupper his plans. He did not put it pass Robert to do that.

His plan was superseded by his mother's unexpected death just before the New Year. He remembered that telephone call all to well. The whole family had been at home when his father had taken the call and listened. When he replaced the receiver he stood stock still for several minutes before turning ashen-faced to his family. Then his whole world fell apart.

His mother's coffin had been at home for one day, and he sat with her late into the night long after everyone had gone to bed. In that time he knew he could not face her funeral and everything to come after that. He hastily scribbled a note for Felicity and left Queens Park.

Beginning to get chilled, Oliver rose from the bench and walked slowly towards the house.

\----

"Aunt Hes have you seen Felicity?"  
"I thought she was with you."  
"She was but she got upset and left."  
"Were you not visiting the soldiers? She must have gone to the farm."  
"No. We were sitting on the bench above the river and she came in this direction."  
"She must be in her room then. Is something the matter Oliver, are you feeling okay?"  
"I need to talk to you Aunt Hes."

"Okay, but you should call me Hester now or just Hes, you are my step-son nowadays." Hester gave Oliver a warm smile. "We haven't had any time to really talk Oliver. You don't mind that Robert and I are married? I would never want to replace your mother but I care deeply for you and Thea".

"I know Hes. Thea and I love you too. I'm glad that dad has you and you are both happy. It's not that. I think I did something really stupid just now and managed to upset Felicity. I've never seen her like that before."

"What happened?"  
"I asked Felicity to be my wife."  
"Oh."  
"I know. I cannot believe my own stupidity."  
"What did she say?"  
"She burst into tears and walked away."

Hester nodded. "I'm sorry Oliver. I know Felicity cares for you. She suffered as much as anyone after you left. She'll need time. You should know that Felicity's father abandoned her and she still carries that pain inside. If anyone can help her through that, it's you. But what happened five years ago will have revived all those memories and I'm sure your return will have touched on her deepest desire, that my brother will return for his daughter.  
Your return home will have left her quite fragile Oliver. Not that she wasn't happy to see you home safely, it's just..."

"It's okay Hester, I understand what you mean." He stared at her mortified. He knew nothing about any of this. His clumsiness was unforgiveable in the light of the little Hester had just told him. "What should I do?"

"Nothing. That's the best thing you can do for her right now. Give her some time. I'll talk to her. Why don't you get Thea to take you to see the convalescing men."

"Okay. Thanks Hes. Will you tell her how sorry I am. I was so clueless."

"It's not your fault Oliver. There was no way you could have known. Now go. Everything will work out. Give it time."

\----

Hester knocked on her niece's bedroom door and waited. When she heard nothing she knocked again. "Felicity I'm coming in." Hester opened the door and entered. Felicity was standing looking out of her window. She made no move when her aunt came into the room.

Hester stood by the door and made no attempt to go closer to her niece. "I've just spoken to Oliver. He asked me to apologise for his clumsiness. He didn't mean to upset you."

_Silence._

"Oliver told me he asked you to marry him."  
"I don't want to marry him"

_Silence._

"Why did he do that aunt Hes?"

"Do what? Ask you to marry him? He loves you Felicity. Robert and I think Oliver has had a soft spot for you long before he left to go to war. And you love him too, I know you do. The timing of his proposal was not great I'll admit, but I think going to war and experiencing all that he must have done, will make Oliver want to grab at happiness. "

"I do love him aunt Hes, but I don't want to marry him. I can't."

"Felicity, Oliver is not my brother, your father. Oliver didn't leave you. Queens Park is his home, he would always come back. You know how difficult his relationship with Robert has been. Robert himself admits he might have been a little unreasonable in his approach to Oliver, who always wanted to be a soldier from the time he was a boy. Moira death's just hastened his leaving. He went to fight for his country like a lot of young men his age, and would have done so whether you were here or not.

"I am sure Oliver's leaving and his return brought back the past for you. Am I right?" Felicity nodded. "In a way I'm glad Oliver asked you to marry him and it caused you to react the way you did."

Felicity turned to look at her aunt with a question mark on her brow. "You are?"

"Yes. Oliver opened a door you closed a long time ago, whilst hurting inside in silence when you needed to face your loss, let the pain out and share your feelings. You stopped doing that well before we came to Queens Park. You shut down your grief but it's still there inside. It's my fault, I should have helped you with that a long time ago."

"No aunt Hes, please don't say that. None of this is your fault. You have been everything to me, mother, father, guardian, friend as well as the most loving, caring aunt anyone could wish for. I owe you everything. I am only here because of you. I am sure father would have left me in an orphanage or the workhouse even. A seven-year-old would have been a burden to him."

"Listen to me Felicity. I don't know how to help you let go of the painful past, but you are the mistress of your own life now, no longer that forlorn little girl. Have some compassion for her. She has you to take care of her now. You have to be brave my love and open your heart again. Don't let Noah put a block on your happiness."

Felicity burst into tears and Hester went to her then and folded her niece in her arms until the storm passed. Hester led her to the bed and they sat together side by side in silence.

"You never explained to me what father meant when he said in his letter he was in serious trouble and had to leave the country and you would know why. Was he a criminal aunt Hes?" 

Whatever she thought of her brother Hester would never want to denigrate him in Felicity's eyes. She hesitated but decided to tell her the truth. "Your father was a gambler Felicity. He owed people a lot of money and had to flee the country for his own safety."

Felicity digested this new piece of information for a while, then filed it away to dissect later. "I see" she said. That was not sufficient reason in her mind to just abandon his child and go abroad, putting an entire ocean between them. "Why has he not made contact with us aunt Hes? He's been gone for nearly fifteen years." 

"I don't know love." She put an arm around Felicity's shoulders and the two women sat in silence, each with their own thoughts about Noah. 

\----

The weeks passed and Felicity mostly avoided Oliver. She was pleasant and cordial but mainly kept her distance. At mealtimes when all the family were together she spoke very little. If anyone noticed, no one commented, not even Thea whose brain-to-mouth filter worked much the same as Felicity's. Non-existent.

Having heard what Hester said about Felicity's past history, Oliver understood or tried to but it pained him. He missed her but as he got stronger he began to throw himself into the comings and goings of the farm. He asked Pearson, Robert's business manager, to show him the ropes and he and Robert were much closer. Oliver even talked to his father about Felicity.

Robert listened and nodded. Hester had already told him what was going on and he felt it for his son. It would make him very happy if Oliver and Felicity were to make a match of it. In his darkest times when he thought Oliver might be lost to him, Robert had toyed with the idea of leaving his Estate jointly to Thea and Felicity. She was family after all and even if Thea were to marry and wanted to move away, he had every confidence that Felicity could take on and run, even expand, the business. She had a man's head on her shoulders in Robert's view.

"I'm sorry son. Hester told me what happened between you and Felicity." His son was a damn fool to have broached the subject of marriage within a week of his return to Queens Park but he wasn't going to tell him that. "Give it time Oliver, everything will work out."

"That's what Hester said."

"She's right. Believe me. When your mother died I thought my life had ended too. I often felt there was no point in going on. Hester told me to fully express my grief, not to hold back. She was right. It took a while but I was able to find happiness again, something I never expected." 

"I'm glad dad. Hester has been very good for you, and I guess she took care of Thea too. I'm sorry I wasn't here for the both of you." 

"It's okay son. I understand why you left. How are those nightmares, are they lessening?"

"I'll be fine dad. I know you've been looking in on me during the night. Sometimes I'm awake."

"Insomnia?"

"Sometimes." It had gotten worse since his falling out with Felicity, and his nightmares had been as bad as they were in Africa. But he wasn't going to tell Robert that.

"Oliver whatever you experienced during the war, don't bottle it up son. You should talk about it. If not to me then Hester, or Felicity."

"I'm not ready dad."

"What about our famous 'soil therapy' You should talk to Billy Malone about it. It helped him a lot. He became less fragmented and chaotic. Now he is helping the other men."

If Robert had been paying attention, he would have seen the abject horror on Oliver's face. Buried in stinking sludge was the stuff of nightmares. Then there was Billy Malone. He was not keen on the man, always trying to pry into his war experiences. Not even Robert had quizzed him on that. More than that, Malone was too interested in Felicity and she spent way too much time with him for Oliver's liking.

"I know you are not ready to talk son, but it pains me that I am unable to help you."

"I appreciate that you haven't pushed me to talk. I will when I'm ready. Being back home with my family, the peace and tranquility of this place is enough balm for now. I'll be fine dad. It is upsetting that I managed to distress Felicity. I can only hope our friendship will be repaired before too long."

"Let me know if there's anything I can do to help, and whenever you are ready to talk, I'm here Oliver." 

"I know dad. Thank you."

\----

That night unable to sleep, Felicity got up to get some water. At the top of the stairs on the way back to her room she was startle by a low howl coming from the direction of Oliver's room. Turning left instead of right, she headed towards his door. She opened it and looked inside.

All his bedclothes were on the floor and Oliver was tightly curled in the fetal position with his back to her, making a sound like a cornered animal. She hurried to the bed, put the glass of water down on the nightstand and reached for him, then stopped herself. She remembered.

Felicity walked to the other side of the bed, without her glasses and in the dimness of the room, she felt a little vulnerable alone with Oliver, obviously in the throes of a mammoth nightmare. His arms were folded across his body. Felicity observed him for a moment. She couldn't leave him, but she had no wish to be strangled again, or worse thrown across the room. 

She walked around the bed again and prodded his back. "Oliver wake up." That had little effect, he was still groaning. She raised her voice and this time pinched his arm hard. "Wake up Oliver." 

He yelped and his body rolled over. His eyes were wide open staring at her. "Is that you Anais?" 

She had no idea if he was awake or not. "Oliver it's me Felicity. Are you awake?" 

"Anais?" His voiced sounded so broken. 

"Oliver you need to wake up. It's me Felicity. I'm going to touch you. Don't try to strangle me this time."

She peered down at him and grabbed his wrists. She could feel him shivering. "Oliver? He didn't respond. Felicity picked his sheet and blanket off the floor and covered him.

"Oliver." Felicity sat on the bed beside him and began to stroke his hair, talking softly to him. "It's okay, you're safe now. You're home." He turned his face round to look in her direction, his arms crept around her waist. Felicity put an arm around his shoulder and held him. "It was a bad one wasn't it?" 

"Thank you" he whispered.  
"Do you want to talk about it?"  
"No."  
"Okay."  
"Stay with me."  
"Okay. For a little while."

He tugged at the edge of the blanket she was sitting on. She moved allowing him to pull it back to cover her. "Felicity?"  
"What is it?"  
"Thank you for being here."  
She kissed his head.

He reached up and brushed his lips against hers, then drew back and looked at her before leaning in again. He stopped, giving her time to move back. When she doesn't, he cupped her face with one hand and pressed his lips to hers again. He feels when she relaxes. Oliver allows his tongue to swipe across her lips. Felicity sighed and parted her lips a little. He took advantage of the invitation and kissed her softly but with gentle determination, and she responds.

He moved his body and pushed her down into the pillow and deepens the kiss. She moaned and held him even closer, a shiver runs down her spine and she snuggles closer to him. Oliver pulled back and stares down at her. He wishes he could look into her eyes and see the depth of her. What was she thinking and feeling right now? He dare not ask. He kissed her forehead and lay on his back pulling her close to him so her head is now resting on his chest.

He couldn't quite believe what had just happened, he felt elated. "I've missed you these last few weeks. Can we be friends again?"

"We will always be friends Oliver but we've gone beyond that now don't you think?"

"You mean the kiss?"

"Yes, the kiss."

He was happy, she attached significance to their kiss. It was certainly significant for him. She'd returned his kiss with some ardour and it took some control not to take advantage of that. But he had learnt his lesson and he wasn't going to push it. Slow and easy. He wasn't even going to attempt another kiss in case he misjudged it again and spoilt everything. "Can we talk tomorrow?"

"Yes okay. You should go back to sleep now. You don't want to be tired tomorrow."

"Don't go. You can still stay for a while longer." 

"Shh. Go to sleep."

She must have dozed off for a little while because she woke to find herself wrapped in his arms. It felt safe and warm in a place that felt like home, a place she wanted to be. Felicity raised her head and placed a soft kiss on Oliver's jaw, then tried to extricate herself but his arms tightened around her. It would be so easy to remain beside him and sleep until morning but that would not do. It couldn't happen.

She tried again and was able to gently pull away from him and get off the bed. "You leaving?" His voiced startled her. 

"I have to. We can spend the day together tomorrow, okay? Go back to sleep."

"Goodnight Felicity. I love you."  
"I love you too."

Oliver smiled and closed his eyes. The darkness inside of him felt lighter. His Felicity returned his love. 

Back in her room, Felicity found it difficult to go to sleep. She did love Oliver very much and could not get beneath the 'but'. What was stopping her from letting go and being fully with him? Her talk with aunt Hes had helped a lot but there was something more she needed. She wanted more time. She was worried about Oliver too. She would talk to Robert about it. 

Eventually she drifted into sleep. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay. A reconciliation of sorts.


	6. The Visitor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oliver and Felicity's relationship deepens and a visitor disrupts the household.

Felicity lay awake in her bed listening to the sounds of the house. She wasn't ready to get up yet. Something inside her felt different this morning, she was less panicky, although what exactly she was panicked about was not really clear to her but it had something to do with Oliver. Yet she felt a little more reassured about him. 

A smile touched her lips remembering their closeness the night before. Her cheeks heated thinking of his soft warm lips on hers. She had eventually given herself over to his kiss and had been a little disappointed when he stopped. Felicity couldn't believe she had actually been in his arms in his bed! Aunt Hes and Robert would have been scandalized if they'd found her there.

But she was more than concerned about his nightmares. And who was Anais, what role had she played in Oliver's life. When? Where? 

"Come in," she responded to the knock on her door expecting to see aunt Hes or Thea. She was surprised to see him. "Oliver? Come in. Are you okay?" 

He stood with his back to the door and arms folded across his chest. They observed each other in silence for a time. She bathed in the blueness of his eyes, always changing. Today they were a cyan-blue, the colour of the sky on a clear day. They were pinned on her. 

"I just wanted to see you." 

She propped herself up on one elbow. "Good morning. I hope there were no more nightmares."

"No. Thanks to you, but I do have a blue and purple bruise on my arm where I believe someone pinched me." 

"I'm sorry about that but I couldn't think of another way of waking you. The last time I did, you tried to choke me." 

"Felicity!" There was genuine concern in Oliver's voice. "Is that true? Did I hurt you? I'm so sorry." 

"It's okay, it wasn't really your fault, I should have known better. Maybe I shouldn't have pinched you. I'll have to find another way of waking you if there's a next time, perhaps some ice cold water?" She grinned at him. "There is one thing that intrigues me though, who is Anais? You've called her name twice now when I've woken you from a nightmare." 

"Anais Marquis is the fiancé of John Diggle's brother Andy, who nursed me back to health in their village compound in Senegal. She was always there when I awakened from a nightmare. She said I was screaming loud enough to wake the compound. I think she stayed with me most nights but was always gone when I woke in the mornings." 

"So Anais is African? Her name sounds French." 

"She is the daughter of a French soldier and an African woman. Anais is stunningly beautiful but bears the stigma of illegitimacy. The Diggle family took mother and child in when the neighbouring village drove them out. 

"So the Diggle family is the law in their village?" 

"Yes. John's father who took quite a shine to me, is the village Elder. John will take his place when the time comes. Mother and child were given sanctuary but they were not really accepted by the other women who shunned them, but Anais was completely dedicated to taking care of me when John brought me back to his village. They had a name for her, which I won't repeat in polite company but I think part of it was jealousy because of Anais' beauty, most of the men were enamoured. 

"And what about you, were you enamoured too?" 

Oliver stared at her. His smile put his dimple on display. "I can admire beauty Felicity but no, I was not enamoured with her and I'm almost certain she stole from me." 

"She stole from you?" 

Oliver shrugged. "It doesn't matter. Diggle's people saved my life, they helped me to walk again and I can never repay them." 

"They helped you to walk again? Oliver what happeneđ to you out there? I have a hundred and one questions. Robert and I sifted through lists upon lists of dead and injured soldiers but no Oliver Queen ever appeared on any list. How did you end up in Africa?" 

"I joined the French Foreign Legion, not the British army. That's where I met John and we became friends. Let's have breakfast and go for a walk." 

She realised he'd deliberately changed the subject. "Okay, but you have to leave so I can get dressed." 

"Do I have to?" 

She saw the amused expression on his face. "Go Oliver. I'll see you downstairs." 

Felicity was now certain that something pretty gruesome must have happened to Oliver beyond the horrors of war and he obviously was not ready to talk about it. She was not going to push him but he needed to talk.

\----

After breakfast they set off on their favourite circular walk. This was a six-miler along Polkerris Beach to an upward path beside the tiny harbour to Menabilly with it's panoramic views of Fowey, then through several kissing-gates across farmlands to a cliff path back to the beach and Queens Park. Oliver carried a knapsack on his back containing scones, bars of chocolate and water. 

They started off in companionable silence, each remembering the last time they'd walked this route together, over five years ago. 

"Are you sure you can manage this? Will your strength hold out?" Felicity checked. 

He smiled at her. "If you can make it I will too. I seem to remember hiking was not one of your favourite pastimes." 

"I took this route many times after you'd gone. It made me feel close to you." 

Oliver stopped walking and placed a hand on her shoulder, easing her body around to face him. "I'm so sorry. I'm going to try and make it up to all of you. Father, Thea, you." 

"Oliver you don't have to keep apologising. Aunt Hes said you were always going to go to war. It's what young men did five years ago. I'm just glad that you came back to us in one piece with all your limbs intact." 

He bent his head and placed a soft chaste kiss on her lips. He almost didn't come back but by some miracle he was here in his home, his sanctuary. "Do you remember the last time we did this? You were sweet sixteen and had never been kissed." He chuckled. 

She blushed. "I seem to remember that being remedied soon afterwards. I still have the ring. And the coronet."

"You kept them?" 

"Yes," she whispered. "I dried them and kept them. That and your brief goodbye note were reminders of you. 

"Felicity." He stopped walking again and touched her arm.  


She stopped walking too, and stared up at him. Now his eyes were a sapphire blue, the shade of the wild Cornish sea below them. "It's okay Oliver, I'm only sharing memories with you."  


He nodded. "I understand but I hurt you. I'm sorry."

"If you don't stop apologising, I'll have to pinch you again. She smiled at him. "So you joined the French Foreign Legion."

"Yes. When dad stopped me going to Sandhurst, I toyed with the idea of running away and joining the Legion instead of going to Oxford, but I hadn't saved enough money from my allowance whilst a student. It would have been my revenge on him for forcing me to go to Oxford. When my mother died I just had to get away." 

"So you were always going to go and fight, even Foreign wars?" 

"Yes. But when Archduke Franz Ferdinand was assassinated and Germany invaded France, it became a British war." 

"So Billy might have seen you in France?" 

Oliver shrugged. "Maybe but I doubt it. There wasn't time to go sightseeing." 

Felicity laughed. "You're not too fond of him are you." 

"No is the short answer. He wants me to do his mud walking therapy and that's not going to happen. Anyway he talks about you too much for my liking." 

"Oliver Queen are you jealous?"  
"Yes." 

"Well you have no reason to be. Billy and I have had tea together in Truro a few times but that's all.  
Oliver stopped walking. "You and Billy are courting?" 

Felicity laughed. "No. We were ordering supplies, him for use by the men, me for Mr Pearson. Anyway, people do not court anymore. They step out." 

"And what happens during this stepping out?" 

"Much has changed since you left Oliver. Women of a certain class no longer need chaperons and a man can now escort his girl to dancehalls and picture houses, we even have a coffee house in Truro. I believe there are jazz clubs in London." 

"Good heavens Felicity, I've only been away for five years. I feel like Rip Van Winkle waking up in a whole new era." 

They lock eyes and for a moment the full force of his gaze take her breath away. She takes his hand, forcing herself to look away. "Well you have been fighting a war and I doubt they had dancehalls in the war zones."

He chuckled and they walked on until they reached a kissing gate, a semi-circular V-shaped enclosure that allowed people to access farmland while keeping animals in. Oliver leant against the gatepost staring at her. "Will you walk out with me Felicity Smoak?" 

When she made no response he ran a finger down her cheek. Felicity felt the heat rising up the length of her body. "Will you?" he whispered and cupped one side of her face. 

Felicity closed her eyes and leaned into his touch. "Yes," she whispered. 

Oliver edged closer and touched her lips with his. When she responded to his touch he pulled her closer and coaxed her into a deeper kiss. She moaned and his tongue slipped into her mouth, his arm encircled her waist. He ended the kiss but his arm kept her anchored to his body. "I love you Felicity." 

"And I have always loved you Oliver." She remembered the boy she met the very first day at Queens Park.

His eyes shone as he searched her face, seeking a clue to what her answer might be, if he asked her again. He ushered her through the gate that led across a field to the next gate, then on to the coastal path leading back to Polkerris Beach. 

\----

Back at Queens Park Robert and Hester were having a rare morning together, engaging in husband and wife talk. She was concentrating on her needlepoint while Robert was enjoying his only cup of coffee for the day. 

"I saw Felicity and Oliver taking off fairly early this morning. I hope that signals a thaw in their relationship Hes. Did something happen? Oliver was quite despondent only yesterday." 

"I don't know, I suppose they started to talk again. They love each other. I just want them to get on with it." 

"It will take time Hes. At least she knows his intentions, but he was just a little premature." 

Hester laughed. "Look at us, we didn't wait all that long."  
"That was different." 

"Why? Because we are older and have more sense?" Hester giggled. "Life throws out the unexpected all the time Robert. One morning nearly fifteen years ago I suddenly became the sole carer for a seven-year-old. An old Duke is assassinated in some remote part of Europe and the entire continent is plunged into a war that claimed so many of our young men. I would be encouraging Oliver and Felicity to grab happiness with both hands." 

"You're not to interfere Hes, let them sort this out by themselves. Something dreadful happened to Oliver during the war which is probably the cause of his night terrors but he won't talk."  
Robert was about to say more when there was a knock on the door. "Come in" he called. 

Mrs Parkes the housekeeper appeared. "You have a visitor Mrs Queen," she announced. 

"Who is it Mrs Parkes?"  
"The gentleman didn't give a name Madam. He said he wanted to surprise you."

Robert and Hester followed their housekeeper into the hallway. Hester stared at the tall stranger dressed in a long dark overcoat with wide lapels, wearing a fedora. The man looked both foreign and familiar. "Noah? Is that you?" 

"Hello Hes. It's me." 

Hester Kuttler ran into her brother's arms and flung her own around his neck. "Oh Noah I thought I'd never see you again." The tears spilled down her face. 

"Hester it's okay, don't cry." He stroked her hair, soothing her. "I went to Chipping Camden and they told me you were here." 

"Why didn't you let me know you were coming? You could have written Noah. The post mistress would know where I was." 

"I thought about it many times and decided to come in person and face you both. So you're married now Hes." Noah looked around him. Robert Queen cleared his throat behind them. 

"Oh I'm sorry." Hester introduced the two men who shook hands. "Good to meet you Noah, welcome to our home," said Robert. "Your sister has told me a lot about you." 

"Robert. How do you do? My family were tenants of Queens Park Estate and my parents always spoke highly of you. I hope my sister wasn't too disparaging about me." 

When Robert made no response, Noah attempted to hide his slight discomfort. "Is Felicity here?" 

Hester took her brother's arm. "Why don't we go into the drawing room. Robert sweetheart will you tell Mrs Parkes to bring some refreshments and keep a look out for Felicity. I don't want her to walk into the house unprepared. They were going towards the beach when they left this morning." 

\----

"Is that Robert?  
Oliver shaded his eyes. "Yes, that is dad. He is waving. 

"Something must be wrong." Felicity sounded worried. Her thoughts flew to Hester. She could not lose her too. "come on Oliver let's hurry. " 

He took her hand and they hastened their steps until they reached Robert. "What is it dad? Is everything okay?" 

Robert was uncomfortable. He wished Hester was the one telling Felicity. 

"Is it aunt Hes? Has something happened Robert?" 

"Felicity, No. Your aunt is perfectly fine. She wanted me to come and find you. My dear your father is here." 

The earth tilted and Felicity stared at Robert. "Mm...my father? He...he's here?" She took a step forward and stumbled. 

Oliver's arm shot out to hold her up but her knees buckled and the momentum of the downward slump of her body, carried it to the ground. Felicity sat down heavily on the sand before Oliver could stop her. He stooped down beside her. "Breathe Felicity. Deep breaths, come on." 

Her heart raced and thumped in her chest as short pants pushed past her lips. Her chest hurt. 

"Push all the air out through your mouth and take long deep breaths in through your nose," Oliver instructed her, keeping a hand on her back. 

Waiting until she calmed down and her breathing was easier, he handed her a bottle of water and sat down beside her. "Give her a few minutes dad." 

"There's no hurry son, Felicity can take as long as she needs. Noah has waited over 14 years to come see his daughter, he can wait a few minutes more. I'll go in and tell Hester I found you. Come in when you're ready." Oliver nodded at his father. 

Oliver sat quietly beside Felicity with his hand on her back and waited until she was ready. 

"What shall I say to him," she whispered. "I'm not sure I want to see him."

Oliver felt a little out of his depth. "Maybe you only need to listen." 

"I'm not sure I want to hear anything he has to say." 

He remained silent, rubbing her back now.

Will you come with me?" 

"Of course, if you want me to." 

"I do. I don't want to be left alone with him. I don't even remember what he looks like. It's been fourteen years.

"We'll stay here until you're ready to go in, okay?" 

"I'm feeling very nervous, as if I've done something wrong." 

Oliver put an arm wrong her shoulders and pulled her close. "I know. It's just anxiety. None of this is your fault. Your father left you, you didn't leave him. He obviously wants to make amends." 

"I'm glad you here." 

He kissed her temple. "Are you ready? Let's get it over and done with." She nodded." 

Inside the house Felicity looked at the drawing room door and hesitated. 

"Why don't you go and freshen up. I'll wait here for you." Oliver encouraged, giving her an opportunity to have a little time by herself. 

Felicity gave a sigh of relief. She'd been offered a reprieve before facing the hangman because that is what it felt like. "Okay," she said. 

Up in her room Felicity sat on the bed and stared blankly at the wall. For most of her life Noah lived in her head, now he was here there was nothing she wanted to say to him. Her head was filled with cotton wool. She was glad Oliver was home, she could not face this without him. She rose lethagically to splash her face with cold water and returned to sit on her bed. 

Felicity realised time had passed when she heard a knock on the door and Oliver's voice.  
"Felicity are you okay?"  
"Yes, give me a moment."

Felicity rifled through her wardrobe until she found what she wanted to wear and hastily discarded her walking clothes. She quickly donned her shocking pink dress, brushed her curls and took a deep breath. She was as ready as she would ever be. 

Oliver was waiting for her at the bottom of the stairs. "You look beautiful. That colour suits you." Felicity slipped her hand into his. Oliver gave it a reassuring squeeze as he led her to the drawing room and opened the door. 


	7. Letting You Know

SORRY THIS IS NOT AN UPDATE....

I realised that while I'd left a note on the first chapter for new readers that this fic was officially paused at chapter 6, I didn't inform existing readers. 

During the last months other things have incessantly claimed my attention, not least Covid19 and it's impact on my family - no one died - but the newest member was born at the height of it all and the centenarian needed special care and attention. Pretty sure I had mild symptoms which lingered for about a month, feeling mainly tired and wiped out. My daughter had symptoms but tested negative. She was given opiates and kept in for about 6 hours and sent home. Thank goodness. Hospitals were lethal places then.

A new fic emerged as a response to lockdown - CLANDESTINE (Concealed in Shadow). It's Very Dark. That is where the energy lies at the moment and also helps me to express the anger and despair I feel around the issues that concern Black Lives Matter (as much as anyone else's) - although it's always darkest before dawn. 

Hate incomplete fics. For me it's a challenge, so I will get back to PERFIDIA however long it takes.


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